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Old 12-01-2012, 11:08 AM   #1
FRIENDLYFISHIES
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Default Relationship troubles...men thoughts?

My dad has a life threatening infection right now...hes been hospitalized for over 2 weeks, hes doing okay but its still scary and risky. When it first began my bf of 5 years was incredibly supportive. He helped with travel, even came down to visit on turkey day, took care of my animals for me et. He was very sweet and was coming through for me 110%. And ive told him over and over how appreciative I am. Then my neighbor offered to care for the animals, it would be easier for everyone, so I agreed and that let my bf get back to his life et. Ive been back and forth traveling for long periods of time to see dad but we talk every night. I returned this last time to a somewhat cold, immature little kid that only knows how to complain. The last thing I need right now are complaints about silly stupid things....for example...

I made some soup, rinsed the can out put it in the trash, covered the soup bowl, got the chair, stood on it to plug in the microwave, microwave stopped, I took the soup sat down and began to eat it....2 minutes later im getting grumped at about leaving the chair in front of the microwave and not unplugging it...I had whole heartedly planned to unplug the microwave...but I just wanted to eat my soup first! Secondly..I finish my soup, I go to the kitchen and wash my bowl....big mistake setting it on the corner of the sink instead of pulling out the drying rack...big deal right? Then his brother whos living with my bf right now comes home....he complains about everything hes doing next, dont eat that without a plate, dont set your milk there it'll leave a ring!...he just wouldnt stop.

Then I talk to him about selling one of my horses which would leave us with just a pony (who is at my parents)...so I show him a cute little barn idea I found online...he says its ugly.

We then talk about how serious my dads condition is..he keeps saying im being negative when in all reality im being serious and he acts as though its no big deal...

So we go to bed grumpy with each other. Then this AM I wake up putting last night in the past....he says goodmorning, I say goodmorning back. Things seem okay. I start my car, return, crawl into bed, then get grumped at about having shut the door last night and how he was cold all night! For the record i did not shut the door last night, it was open a foot, I shut it just enough to keep the light out from the pellet stove. So I left this AM really p'd off, said have a good day, slammed the door and left.

I tried to tell him hes being argumentative and complaining too much, then he says im being negative and tries to put it on me...now im not playing the blame game, I really dont care, it was a grumpy night, we didnt get along, its over with big deal right?

I tried to call him after I cooled down so we can talk about it...no answer so w/e.

Anywho its really not a big deal, it will pass and what not, everyone fights, we dont have big issues or anything.

But I just wanted to know from a mans standpoint...do you think this is his way avoid the reality of the situation? or maybe im not being supportive enough for him, maybe hes bothered more than I realize by the situation?

any thoughts?
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Last edited by FRIENDLYFISHIES; 12-01-2012 at 11:26 AM.
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Old 12-01-2012, 12:04 PM   #2
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At least you are not married, so you might consider nipping it in the bud and find a more mature caring person to be around. Hope all goes well with your Dad.
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Old 12-01-2012, 01:18 PM   #3
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Did he go home for Thanksgiving? People revert to old patterns of thought and behavior when back in the place they lived as children and surrounded by relatives alternatively treating them like children and pressuring them to display adult achievements like marriage and job success. He may be cranky from being stressed, nagged and sleep deprived so you could cut him some slack.

Likewise the brother's neatness rants may stem from being home and listening to the parent's automatic correction routines (don't set that there, it will leave a ring, etc.) and now he's playing them back when triggered.

Men don't like to talk things out and they won't tell you what is really bothering them.

But now is the time to work out expectations between you. Who does what,what the house rules are (like when to unplug the microwave), what is allowed in a fight and which topics (say mothers) are off limits. If you don't know the rules, you can't know when you've broken one and are making him mad (maybe even subconsciously). Ask him what bothers him and try to avoid doing it even its stupid. People aren't rational.

It is a good thing that he is honest enough to tell you that he sees ugly where you see cute. You don't want to partner will someone who lets you choose everything and then blows up in a few years and screams that he hates everything. Learn to negotiate for something you both can tolerate and save your battles for what is really important to you.

Try to listen to yourself and think about what you said and how you said it. Sick family can turn a rectal of your day into a real downer. He still has to listen (or he isn't bf material) but you can make sure he has a drink or a snack or a seat before you launch in. Make seeing you pleasant for him before you make it unpleasant. Tell him you missed him when you get back.

If you do find an increasingly negative tone and feelings in your conversations, tell him you feel down and ask for help cheering up doing something you both enjoy. It is important to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally, or you won't be any good to your father, your animals or your bf.

PS don't listen to me, I don't have a bf

Last edited by emc7; 12-01-2012 at 01:25 PM.
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Old 12-01-2012, 03:20 PM   #4
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It could be any number of things.
Maybe the brother is driving him crazy.
Maybe you haven't exactly been Miss Congeniality lately, either.
Maybe stripping him of pet care duty made him think you find him inadequate.
Who knows? I do know that asking him what HIS problem is will only make him mad.

Interesting insight, emc7.
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Old 12-01-2012, 04:16 PM   #5
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be thankful you aren't married to me......lol
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if we ignore nature;maybe it will go away

10 gallon..nothing but air

10 gallon...just more air

10 gallon...stale air

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Old 12-03-2012, 11:44 AM   #6
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look kid ; i'm gonna tell you something that i learned from past experience...
when a mate starts whining and complaining about every little thing you do or say ; there is something major going on...it is usually when they want to get out of the relationship...but don't have the guts to tell you so they try to get you to break it off..
especially when this happens all of a sudden like.....
you are in the middle of a family crisis with your dad...any man worth his salt would understand that and support you and your family 200%...

if this guy is so immature that he puts you through all that silliness ; it might be a good idea to send him packin...there is also a good possibility that he may already have a new honey lined up...

i may or may not be totally right about this ; but in all of my 67 years it has been the case..the woman i am with now is the first woman that has look me in the eye and said " I LOVE YOU " ....i met her here on FF about 5 years ago....
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PLECOCAINE = feeding frenzy=PLECOCAINE


if we ignore nature;maybe it will go away

10 gallon..nothing but air

10 gallon...just more air

10 gallon...stale air

just don't ask about the rest
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:12 PM   #7
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Its okay to avoid the issues for a while, but not for too long. It could be either way, he could feel unwelcome because he doesn't have animal care duties, or he could feed trapped (too nice to dump you while your dad is sick). Don't move forward (move in together, plan a marriage) until you can work out expectation. Its easy to waste years with someone who doesn't want the same life you do.
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Old 12-03-2012, 02:29 PM   #8
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Who are you with, John? Do I know her from FF? Congratulations anyway.
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:03 PM   #9
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Are you the couple that bids against each other at auction? His fish is his tank and her fish in her tanks.

Love is sharing a fish room.
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:39 PM   #10
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Love is laying eggs in a heart-shaped hole
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:53 PM   #11
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ok...that pic is awesome elaine....you had better hope that my better half doesn't see it....i will have to have one special made for her.....lol
nope ; we don't bid against each other...she says "OOOOO....pretty...i want" and i bid...
what's hers is hers....and what's mine is hers and no longer mine except if one croaks...then it's mine...
actually , we are worse than teenagers..hate to be apart and do a lot of smooching...
kind of strange that she moved 2500 miles from california to be with me here in cleveland...
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PLECOCAINE = feeding frenzy=PLECOCAINE


if we ignore nature;maybe it will go away

10 gallon..nothing but air

10 gallon...just more air

10 gallon...stale air

just don't ask about the rest
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:56 PM   #12
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bob.....you might remember her from chat a few years back...
__________________
PLECOCAINE = feeding frenzy=PLECOCAINE


if we ignore nature;maybe it will go away

10 gallon..nothing but air

10 gallon...just more air

10 gallon...stale air

just don't ask about the rest
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:05 PM   #13
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I was thinking about making valentines, lol. That pair has spawned there twice so far. If you decide you want a print, I can send a better quality jpg. My sister is getting great pics with my Dad's new canon t4i. I get the hand me down xti,so I won't have any excuse for bad pics anymore.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:58 AM   #14
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Thanks everyone. Great insight, it can be so frustrating at times. I was very quiet and he did finally open up after a couple days and talked to me. Guess it had to do with finances and work troubles, he's very depressed, he's self employed and ppl aren't paying him, he's a very hard worker always trying to get a head but with no one paying hes pinching pennies to pay this months bills and just downright angry. I told him it wasn't a good time to take it out on me, and offered help in anyway that I could. Now he's back to being supportive.

That's a great picture!
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~ It's a betta life ~
Moonie - Orange Dalmation Double Tail Halfmoon Betta
Miyagi - Double Tail Plakat Betta
20 gallon long planted tetra tank
2x 10 gallon planted betta tanks
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:19 AM   #15
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It is so easy to get down this time of year when it gets dark too early. And SE means he won't go get help if his depression gets bad enough to need meds. Support each other as best you can. Try to be each other's bright spot in the day.
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