Jokes

[Baby_Baby]

Just thought I'd make a thread all about jokes. So if you're bored, havin a bad day, come on down and have a good laugh! I don't know if people will find mama jokes innapropriate so I won't post any (unless other mods say it ok)I will not post blonde jokes if people find them offensive. There are some rules:

1. No overly crude jokes
2: No sexual or perverted jokes
3: No political jokes as these can spark huge arguements
4: NO RACIAL JOKES! i don't wanna hear any racial jokes please. these may be funny to some, but can be very offensive to others


Riddles are fine, so feel free to post riddles, just follow the guidelines.

Alright so now that I've sucked the fun out of everything I'll begin

you have to make 30 cents with 2 coins, but one is not a nickel. How do you do it?

[solar-ton]

2 dimes and 10 pennies.there 2 types of coins

[Baby_Baby]

nope 1 quarter and 1 nickel: 1 is not a nickel. a quarter isn't a nickel

[Baby_Baby]

alright. anyone else got some jokes?

[shev]

outside of a rehab clinic there is a sign that says: "keep off the grass"

ok... not really a joke. and I thought this was funny

picture joke?

[shev]

ok...ok... I got one.

If tennis elbow (lateral epicondylitis: inflamation of the elbow, need to know for the joke) is painful, imagine tennis ball.

[shev]

when I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, unlike the people in his car.

[AshleytheGreat]

OK heres a riddle

What is greater then God?
More evil than Satan?
The rich want it?
The poor have it?
And if you eat it, you'll die?

[mrmoby]

Boy....with all these requirements I am sure there will be lots of great jokes!

[mlefev]

Originally Posted by AshleytheGreat

OK heres a riddle

What is greater then God?
More evil than Satan?
The rich want it?
The poor have it?
And if you eat it, you'll die?

Well my guess would be "nothing" but I don't know. Here's a joke while you ponder that.



A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[AshleytheGreat]

hahaah


mlefev... Your right!

[euRasian32]

An asian man, Charlie, is about to call into work sick, he does construction work. His boss is concerned about their workload, and knows that they won't complete the job by the deadline if he didn't come in to work at all that day.

The boss man had suggested, that when he was feeling sickly that he would spend quality time with his wife, and within the hour he would feel better.

So Charlie reports to work a couple of hours late, and the boss man said, "See, I told you". Charlie said, "You were right, boss. You have a real nice house too."

[maxpayne_lhp]

Waiter From Hell
(Ouch this it too long lol)



Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.



“Good evening.” The waiter said. “ Table for four?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Smoking or non?”

“Nonsmoking.”

“Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?”

“I guess indoors would be good.”



Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. “Good evening, my name is Paul, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?”

“No,” I said, “I’m just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I’ll have the filet mignon and baked potato.”



“Soup or salad?”

“Salad.”

“We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp.”

“just a mixed-green salad, okay?”



“Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?”

I didn’t want to make another decision. “Whatever you’ve got will be fine.”

“We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch…”

“Just bring me one. Surprise me.”



“Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?”

“Yeah.” I was curt. I was done with civility.



“And your baked potato…”

I knew what was coming. “I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don’t want anything on it.”

“No butter? No sour cream?”

“No.”



“No, chives?”

“No! Don’t you understand English?” I shouted. “ I don’t want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak.”



“Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?”

“Whatever.”

“Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you.”

“Pauly Boy,” I said, “you are really starting to get me steamed”



“Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced carrots--”

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, “How’d you like to settle this outside?”



“Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?”

“I prefer right here,” I said, and sucker-punched him.



He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn’t offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.



When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the parmesan—whatever I wanted.



“No, no,” I said. “I’ll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water.”

“Yes, sir, right away,” he said. “Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?”

[Baby_Baby]

ha ha ha ha! thats a good one!

[mlefev]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
action was taken, and the pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget."

[shev]

Id, I mean If, intelligent falling.
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2

[lwstinkinsweet]

have you ever been to dumblaws.com go there it is so funny

[shev]

lol, yes I was actually just there yesterday.

In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.

One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor.

I actually like this one.

The game of "folf" may not be played at night.

I'm pretty sure (really hope) these laws are fake. but still hella funny.

edit: ok Im positive they are fake.

[lwstinkinsweet]

Actually they are real but not used anymore. no one enforces them, but they are still technically in the books. In kalamazoo mi it is illegal for a man to serenade his girlfriend. my b/f and his friends are out of luck as they live there. but maybe their g/fs and i are in luck

[shev]

Really? It said "rate this law" so I assumed people submitted them.